The Confessional Room Episode 28: The Rooftop Schism- part 3

Dan’s Statement — “I See Nothing, I Hear Nothing, I Know Nothing… But Snacks.”

[Dan slides into the Confessional Room with the energy of someone who wandered in by accident. His eyes are wide, innocent, and slightly hopeful.]

Dan:

“Hi. Um… I don’t really know what’s going on.”

[He looks around like the walls might explain it to him.]

“I didn’t see anything. I didn’t hear anything. I don’t know anything. I wasn’t even facing the right direction.”

[He nods earnestly, proud of his unhelpfulness.]

“Everyone keeps asking me for details, but I don’t have details. I have vibes. And the vibe was: ‘Something happened.’ But I don’t know what.”

[He pauses, thinking deeply — or trying to.]

“If this is about Bam… I support her. I support everyone. I’m very supportive.”

[He brightens suddenly.]

“Also… If there are snacks for witnesses, I would like to be a witness. If there are snacks for suspects, I would like to be a suspect. If there are snacks for victims, I would like to be a victim.”

[He leans forward, whispering conspiratorially.]

“I just think snacks would help the investigation.”

[He sits back, satisfied that he has contributed meaningfully.]

“That’s all. Thank you.”