PUBLIC STATEMENT FROM GRAVITY

Issued by the Office of Universal Downward Management

For Immediate Release to All Realms of Lavender Wolf Crafts

Citizens of the Pantheon,

Craftsfolk of the Lavender Wolf,

And all rooftop enthusiasts:

I, Gravity, have been informed that I am once again the subject of controversy following the recent Rooftop Schism and the alleged “assault” on Bam’s dignity.

I will now address these accusations.

I. I Did Not Ambush Bam.

I do not ambush.

I do not sneak.

I do not lurk in shadows waiting for dramatic moments.

I am Gravity.

I am always here.

If Bam chose to test the limits of vertical ambition, I simply responded as I always do.

II. My Job Description Is Very Clear.

I pull things down.

All things.

Without favoritism, bias, or personal vendetta.

If Bam felt “singled out,” that is between her and her confidence level.

III. Sam’s Involvement Has Been Reviewed.

Sam did not push.

Sam did not bump.

Sam did not even blink aggressively.

He merely existed in proximity to the event, which is not a crime — though it is suspicious, and I respect the Council’s right to side‑eye him.

IV. Dignity Is Not My Department.

I manage mass.

I manage motion.

I do not manage pride, ego, or rooftop theatrics.

If Bam’s dignity was injured, she should file a claim with the Bureau of Emotional Support Snacks, which seems to be handling most Pantheon crises lately.

V. I Will Not Appear in the Confessional Room.

I am omnipresent.

I cannot fit on the couch.

Also, Fern asked me last time if I “ever get bored.”

No, Fern.

I do not.

FINAL DECLARATION

The Rooftop Schism was a predictable outcome of rooftop behavior.

I acted within standard cosmic protocol.

I will continue to do so.

To avoid future incidents, I recommend:

• Less rooftop drama

• More stable surfaces

• And, as always… snacks.

Respectfully, Gravity

Keeper of Down, Unbothered Eternal Force,

Unchallenged Champion of All Falling Contests